100+ Andy Rooney Quotes That Capture Life's Little Truths

"Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid."

"Everyone wants to live forever, but nobody knows what to do with themselves on a rainy afternoon."

"It’s amazing how much you don’t miss things you own after you get rid of them."

"The best way to make your children good is to make them happy."

"We all die alone, but we live surrounded by people who think they know us."

"I don't know why people are afraid of dying. It's going to happen to everybody."

"The average person thinks he isn't."

"The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about."

"I can't stand people who say 'live every day like it's your last.' If I did that, I'd never get any work done."

"Most of the things we worry about never happen anyway."

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."

"If you’re going to be depressed, you might as well be depressed about something important."

"Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?"

"I don’t know what makes people happy, but I’ve noticed they’re always smiling when they get the last piece of cake."

"The reason why some men haven't found the one is because they are looking for a rose when they should be looking for a weed."

"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure."

"I didn't lose my temper today because I left it at home."

"The trouble with doing something right the first time is nobody appreciates how difficult it was."

"If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?"

"I don’t mind lending books. I just don’t expect to see them again."

"I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

"The only mystery in life is why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."

"I don’t care what people think of me. I don’t even care that they don’t care."

"The problem with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat."

"When you're born, you get a prize: life. When you die, you get another prize: death. In between, you get nothing."

"I don't look old. I just look like I've been around a while."

"Old age isn't bad if you consider the alternative."

"The older I get, the better I was."

"I’ve noticed that middle age is when you start to look like your father instead of your picture."

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."

"The only thing I regret about getting old is that I don’t get younger."

"I'm not saying I'm indestructible. I'm just saying I haven't died yet."

"The great thing about being old is that you have an excuse for everything."

"I don’t mind getting older. I just don’t want to get old."

"I've reached the age where hair no longer grows where I want it and won’t stop growing where I don’t."

"The older I get, the more I resemble my dog."

"Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done."

"I don't trust anything that can't be unplugged."

"The Internet is a great place to find answers, but I still prefer asking people who know."

"Email has made it possible to say the wrong thing faster than ever before."

"I don't understand texting. Why would anyone want to write less than they could?"

"Smartphones are smart, but the people using them aren't always."

"I still believe the best search engine is walking into a library."

"Technology is supposed to make life easier, but half the time I can't figure out how to turn it off."

"They keep inventing new ways to communicate, but we're saying less than ever."

"I don't know what I’d do without my microwave, except eat food at room temperature."

"The problem with progress is that it comes too fast and leaves too much behind."

"I liked computers better when they were just typewriters with delusions of grandeur."

"Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you comfortable while you're miserable."

"The easiest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket."

"I don't care about money. I just want enough to be comfortable and then a little more to be uncomfortable with."

"The only thing inflation guarantees is that tomorrow will cost more than today."

"I don’t believe in hoarding money. I believe in spending it before someone else does."

"The rich aren't different from you and me—they just have more ways to prove it."

"I don’t mind paying taxes. I just hate watching them spend it."

"Credit cards have made it possible to live now and pay later—for things you don’t even remember buying."

"The only thing worse than being poor is pretending you're rich."

"I don’t care how much money someone has. If they’re rude, they’re broke."

"The best investment I ever made was in a good pair of shoes—I still walk on it."

"People spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t need, to impress people they don’t like."

"Everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die."

"The only thing people like more than giving advice is ignoring it."

"People will believe anything if you whisper it."

"The biggest problem with communication is that people stop listening once they hear what they expect."

"Most people would rather be interesting than correct."

"We all complain about how busy we are, but secretly enjoy it because it makes us feel important."

"The reason gossip is so popular is that it’s the only form of entertainment everyone can participate in."

"People don’t change. They just get better at hiding who they are."

"We spend our lives trying to impress strangers and ignore the people who love us."

"The only thing more contagious than a yawn is someone else’s opinion."

"Nobody admits they’re boring, but we all know someone who proves it daily."

"The most common lie? 'I’ll read the terms and conditions later.'"

"The hardest part of writing is getting the words out of your head and onto paper."

"I never wait for inspiration. I go looking for it with a flashlight."

"Good writing is simple. The problem is that simple is hard."

"I write to find out what I think."

"The blank page isn't scary. It's just waiting for you to mess it up."

"Editing is just fixing what you wrote when you weren’t thinking clearly."

"If you can talk, you can write. The trick is learning to shut up long enough to listen."

"I don’t believe in writer’s block. I believe in laziness with a fancy name."

"The best ideas come when you’re doing something completely unrelated."

"Writing is the only job where you can wear pajamas and still be considered professional."

"I don’t write to be famous. I write because I’d be mad if I didn’t."

"Creativity isn’t magic. It’s just noticing what everyone else ignores."

"Television didn't get worse. We just noticed it."

"The problem with TV is that the people who make it are the same ones who watch it."

"I don't know why they call it 'breaking news' when it takes hours to report it."

"Reality shows aren't real, and game shows aren't games."

"The only thing more predictable than the weatherman is the evening news."

"They say TV is educational. I learn what not to do every night."

"News isn't what happened. News is what someone decides you should know."

"The remote control is the most powerful object in the house. It decides what matters."

"I used to watch TV to relax. Now I need a drink after watching it."

"The only thing more biased than cable news is the person watching it."

"They claim 24-hour news, but they repeat the same story every 15 minutes."

"If TV is a window to the world, it needs cleaning."

"The only diet that works is eating less than you burn."

"I don’t trust restaurants that serve food on plates smaller than my hand."

"The best meals are the ones where you forget to take a picture."

"Coffee is a language in itself. Mine says 'leave me alone until I'm finished'."

"If a recipe says 'season to taste,' it means 'add salt until you can't taste anything else'."

"The problem with healthy food is that it tastes like it’s punishing you."

"I don’t believe in moderation. I believe in finishing the bag."

"Breakfast is the only meal where toast is acceptable as a main course."

"The only thing worse than bad food is pretentious bad food."

"I don’t cook to impress. I cook so I don’t starve."

"The best dessert is the one someone else paid for."

"Eating alone isn’t sad. It’s called not having to share."

"The meaning of life is to find meaning in life."

"We spend our lives searching for purpose, but maybe the point is just showing up."

"If God had wanted us to understand the universe, He wouldn’t have made it so complicated."

"The only thing we truly own is time, and we waste most of it."

"I don’t know what happens after death, but I hope it includes a decent cup of coffee."

"The universe doesn’t care about your problems, but that’s okay—it gives you something to talk about."

"Maybe the purpose of life is just to be kinder than necessary."

"We ask 'why are we here?' but rarely 'why not somewhere else?'"

"The only certainty in life is that nothing is certain."

"If life has a message, it’s probably written in pencil so it can be erased."

"We fear the unknown, but familiarity is often worse."

"The answer to everything might just be 'because'."