100+ Best Simpsons Quotes of All Time – Iconic Lines & Funny Moments

“You don’t win friends with salad.” – Homer Simpson

“Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably — the lesson is, never try.” – Homer Simpson

“Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.” – Homer Simpson

“The key to losing weight is eating less and exercising more.” – Homer Simpson

“If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.” – Homer Simpson

“I believe the children are our future. Unless we stop them now.” – Homer Simpson

“In my experience, there's no such thing as luck.” – Moe Szyslak

“Life is like a box of chocolates… I prefer the ones with caramel.” – Homer Simpson

“Everything's better with bacon.” – Homer Simpson

“Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.” – Homer Simpson

“We’re all in this together, unless I can get out of it.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not religious, but I believe in something greater than myself: pie.” – Homer Simpson

“D'oh!” – Homer Simpson

“Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not after me.” – Homer Simpson

“Woo-hoo! I’m rich!” – Homer Simpson (after finding a penny)

“I’m so smart! I invented a new word: D’oh!” – Homer Simpson

“Mmm… forbidden donut.” – Homer Simpson

“This is the greatest d’oh! of all time!” – Homer Simpson

“I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” – Homer Simpson

“I call the big one ‘Bitey.’” – Homer Simpson (about a bear)

“I’m not bald. I’m hair-challenged.” – Homer Simpson

“I’ve done everything wrong my entire life, and I still turned out great.” – Homer Simpson

“My eyes! The horror!” – Homer Simpson

“I’ll have you know I was fiscally sound just ten seconds ago.” – Homer Simpson

“Love everyone, serve everyone, remember God.” – Lisa Simpson

“Parents can be weird sometimes.” – Bart Simpson

“A father’s job is to make sure his kids don’t turn out like him.” – Homer Simpson

“We’re raising Bart to be a man who can survive—even thrive—in prison.” – Homer Simpson

“Family is where life begins and love never ends.” – Marge Simpson

“I’m trying to teach Bart responsibility. That’s why I gave him my car.” – Homer Simpson

“Being an adult means sacrificing what you want for what you should do.” – Lisa Simpson

“Kids, if you’re listening, this is the last time I’m going to say this: Stop listening.” – Homer Simpson

“I may not be Mommy, but I know what a bathroom is.” – Homer Simpson

“Sometimes, the right path is not the easiest one.” – Lisa Simpson

“I want to share something with you: the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one: Cover for me. Number two: Oh, good idea, boss! Number three: It was like that when I got here.” – Homer Simpson

“You’re saying 'I love you' with every hug, and 'I’m proud of you' with every smile.” – Marge Simpson

“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Homer Simpson

“I work hard so my boss can buy a faster boat.” – Homer Simpson

“The stone age was a tough gig. No TVs, no phones… no unemployment.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not mad. I’m just… disappointed in you, the planet, and myself.” – Mr. Burns

“I’ve had it with this company. I’m going to go home and tell my wife all about it. Then I’ll feel better.” – Homer Simpson

“Employee of the month? More like victim of the month.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m underpaid, overworked, and underappreciated. Just like a superhero.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not avoiding work. I’m doing it from a different location.” – Homer Simpson

“I’ve been meaning to quit smoking, drinking, and eating meat. But I’m too stressed from work.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not late. My job starts two hours after I arrive.” – Homer Simpson

“The problem with the world today is that everybody works too hard. Except me.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Homer Simpson

“You’re my one and only love, Marge.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m normally not attracted to women with beards, but you’re an exception.” – Homer Simpson

“Marriage is just a piece of paper. A very important piece of paper that says you can’t date other people.” – Homer Simpson

“I’d hurt myself to hurt you… emotionally.” – Bart Simpson

“Love is a burning thing, and it makes a fiery ring.” – Marge Simpson (singing)

“I wish I’d said ‘I love you’ more. Or at least texted it.” – Homer Simpson

“True love is believing your partner when they say, ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’” – Homer Simpson

“I love you more than anything. Even more than donuts. Well, almost.” – Homer Simpson

“Romance is dead. And I killed it with my snoring.” – Homer Simpson

“I knew I loved you the moment I saw you. Then I forgot for 20 years.” – Homer Simpson

“The best part of marriage is being annoyed by the same things together.” – Marge Simpson

“We’ve been married so long, I can finish her sentences. And blame her for my mistakes.” – Homer Simpson

“The Internet? Is that thing still around?” – Homer Simpson

“What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.” – Homer Simpson

“The Constitution guarantees freedom of speech. It doesn’t require anyone to listen.” – Kent Brockman

“We’ve gone from a nation of steelers and wheeler-dealers to hamburger flippers and video store clerks.” – Principal Skinner

“I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was.” – Grandpa Simpson

“Don’t blame the government. Blame the people who voted for the government.” – Lisa Simpson

“Television didn’t invent murder, but it did give us a way to enjoy it in the comfort of our homes.” – Krusty the Clown

“America, what happens here is your fault.” – Kent Brockman

“The only difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is prison.” – Mr. Burns

“If God didn’t want us to eat animals, why did He make them out of meat?” – Homer Simpson

“The electoral process is democracy’s finest hour. Or twelve minutes, if you’re efficient.” – Kent Brockman

“We’ve replaced libraries with jails and teachers with cops. Priorities, people.” – Lisa Simpson

“I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.” – Bart Simpson

“I’m Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?” – Bart Simpson

“Being ten years old is like living in a war zone.” – Bart Simpson

“I’m not bad. I’m just badly understood.” – Bart Simpson

“School is the one place where you can fail and still move up a grade.” – Bart Simpson

“I learned that school is a place where they destroy your childhood slowly.” – Bart Simpson

“I’m not a nerd. I’m just highly concentrated.” – Martin Prince

“When I grow up, I’m going to look back on this and laugh. Or sue.” – Bart Simpson

“I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what’s in it. Like stairs.” – Lisa Simpson

“I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.” – Lisa Simpson

“The first step toward recovery is admitting you have a problem. The second step is blaming your parents.” – Bart Simpson

“I’m not lost. I’m exploring alternative routes.” – Maggie Simpson (silently)

“Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?” – Homer Simpson

“Mmm… deep-fried ice cream. So wrong, so right.” – Homer Simpson

“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.” – Homer Simpson (mocking)

“I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.” – Homer Simpson

“All I’m asking for is one thing: food.” – Homer Simpson

“The cafeteria ladies are witches who stir their brews with ladles.” – Lisa Simpson

“I would kill for a Klondike bar.” – Homer Simpson

“Beer: It’s the reason I get up in the morning.” – Homer Simpson

“I once ate a whole turkey by myself. Including the drumsticks.” – Homer Simpson

“Food is the only thing that makes sense anymore.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not hungry. I’m just having a snack attack.” – Homer Simpson

“If a chocolate bunny is alive, then how come it doesn’t scream when I eat it?” – Bart Simpson

“A friend in need is a pain in the butt.” – Homer Simpson

“Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m glad we had this time together, just to have it end in disappointment.” – Homer Simpson

“I’d take a bullet for you. As long as it wasn’t in the head.” – Homer Simpson

“The best way to keep a secret is to pretend you never knew it.” – Bart Simpson

“Loyalty is what keeps me coming back to Moe’s, even though the beer tastes like radiator fluid.” – Homer Simpson

“We’re not losers. We’re winners in reverse.” – Homer Simpson

“I trust you. Not completely, but I do.” – Homer Simpson

“True friendship is letting someone borrow your last donut.” – Homer Simpson

“I’d die for my friends. But not before lunch.” – Homer Simpson

“You’re not just my friend. You’re my enabler.” – Homer Simpson

“I may forget your birthday, but I’ll never forget you owe me five bucks.” – Homer Simpson

“Try and fail, but never fail to try.” – Lisa Simpson

“The road to success is paved with humility and stuck in traffic.” – Homer Simpson

“You can’t win if you don’t play. And I usually don’t.” – Homer Simpson

“Success is when your dreams become reality. Mine haven’t woken up yet.” – Homer Simpson

“Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. Relax, don’t do it at all.” – Homer Simpson

“The secret to happiness is low expectations.” – Homer Simpson

“I’m not a role model. I’m a warning label.” – Homer Simpson

“The only way to succeed is to fake it until you make it. Or until you’re fired.” – Homer Simpson

“Dream big. But not so big that you can’t nap during the day.” – Homer Simpson

“If you can dream it, you can do it. Unless it involves math.” – Homer Simpson

“Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing that matters.” – Mr. Burns

“Believe in yourself, even when no one else does. Especially when no one else does.” – Lisa Simpson