100+ Hilarious Deadpool Funny Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

"I'm like the Terminator, except I have better hair and don't say 'I'll be back'... well, actually, I do. I'll be back."

"You know what they say: nothing says 'I'm sorry' like a high-caliber machine gun."

"This is the part where I list my powers. But honestly? You’ve seen the movie. Just imagine me doing flips and cursing."

"Wait, did we already have this scene? My script's all wet from being dipped in blood."

"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"

"Hey audience, if you’re still watching, go get a snack. I’ll wait. Seriously, I’m paid by the hour."

"This isn’t a flashback—it’s a flash-forward to how badly I’m going to mess you up."

"I’d make a joke about us having chemistry, but that’s Spider-Man’s thing. And he’s underage."

"They told me this movie would be rated PG-13. Then they gave me two katanas. Coincidence? I think not."

"If I die, tell Ryan Reynolds I want his royalties."

"I’m not immune to bullets—I just make them apologize after."

"Is it too late to audition for Guardians of the Galaxy? I can play Groot!"

"I’d take a bullet for you. Well, technically, I’ve taken like 50. But this time I mean it."

"You complete me… like a chainsaw completes a horror movie."

"Love is blind. Which is good, because I look terrible without makeup."

"I don’t need Valentine’s Day. I have you—and this bouquet of grenades."

"I’m not saying I’m perfect for you, but have you seen the other options?"

"Our love is like a rom-com directed by Tarantino—bloody, loud, and weirdly touching."

"I’d write you a love poem, but I only know haikus with curse words."

"You’re the yin to my yang, the ketchup to my chimichanga."

"Even when I’m healing, my heart beats faster around you. Probably because you scare me."

"I may be disfigured, but my feelings for you are picture-perfect."

"Let’s skip dinner and go straight to saving each other’s lives. That’s foreplay to me."

"I don’t believe in soulmates. I believe in hostages. Kidding! …Unless?"

"Pop quiz, hotshot: What do you call a guy who kills everyone in the room? Spoiler: It’s me."

"I’m gonna kill you so many times, you’ll start charging me royalties."

"You had me at 'hello'—then you ruined it by finishing the sentence."

"Time to turn this fight into a rated-R musical!"

"I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed… right before I stab you."

"I brought a sword to a gunfight. Wait, no—that’s my other sword."

"I’m not saying I’m Superman, but have you ever seen us both fly? Exactly."

"You should’ve stayed in bed. Or never been born. Either works."

"That’s not a knife. THIS is a knife. Also, these are swords. Whatever."

"I don’t need backup. I am the backup."

"I’d let you go, but then I’d have to chase you. And I hate cardio."

"Let’s dance. And by dance, I mean I’ll kick you until you stop moving."

"My face looks like a butt that’s been sat on by another butt."

"I’m like a box of chocolates—you never know which scarred, violent piece you’re gonna get."

"I’m not ugly—I’m classically hideous."

"I’m not saying I’m unlovable, but my dating profile says 'swipe left for mercy'."

"I tried online therapy. They said I needed help. Rude."

"I don’t need mirrors. My nightmares reflect me just fine."

"I’m not crazy. I’m just limited edition."

"My therapist said I have attachment issues. So I killed her."

"I’m not damaged goods—I’m vintage."

"I don’t scar easily. I just stay scarred."

"I’m not a role model. I’m a cautionary tale with abs."

"I’m not saying I’m the worst, but I’m definitely in the top five."

"I’m like Wolverine, but with better jokes and worse hairpieces."

"May the force be with you. But seriously, bring a gun."

"I’m not Tony Stark. I don’t have money, genius, or a cool suit. Wait, never mind."

"I’d be a great Avenger, but they don’t allow chimichangas in the HQ."

"Call me Captain America. No, wait—someone already sued over that."

"I’m basically James Bond if he wore red spandex and had PTSD."

"I don’t need a lightsaber. I have two katanas and zero chill."

"I’m the Dark Knight. The very, very dark knight. Like, emotionally and physically."

"If Iron Man had a breakdown and started selling tacos, it’d be me."

"I’m like Thanos, but instead of snapping fingers, I snap necks."

"I don’t collect infinity stones. I collect first-edition insults."

"I’m not Doctor Strange. I can’t bend reality. Just bodies. Into dumpsters."

"Oh no, you called me a monster. And here I was thinking we were bonding."

"Thanks for the threat. I’ll add it to my scrapbook titled 'Things I Ignored’."

"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."

"You’re right. I’m completely insane. And you’re still talking to me. Who’s the real victim?"

"Wow, that insult was almost as sharp as my sword. Almost."

"I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons."

"Your opinion is noted. And immediately deleted."

"Congratulations. You’ve won the award for least helpful person alive."

"I didn’t lose my temper. I gave it away as a gift. To your face."

"You must be exhausting to be around. Like a WiFi signal in a basement."

"I’d roast you, but I don’t want to waste good fire on trash."

"I’m not ignoring you. I’m just prioritizing my sanity."

"I’m not addicted to chimichangas. We’re in a committed relationship."

"When life gives you lemons, trade them for chimichangas."

"There’s no problem a warm chimichanga can’t solve. Except heartburn."

"I don’t pray often, but when I do, it’s for extra guac."

"Chimichangas: because sometimes revenge needs cheese."

"I’d sell my soul for a chimichanga. Oh wait—I did."

"Love is fleeting. Chimichangas are eternal."

"I don’t need therapy. I have deep-fried burritos."

"The only thing better than a chimichanga is two chimichangas."

"If you stand between me and a chimichanga, you will be harmed."

"I don’t cry. Onions near chimichangas do that."

"Chimichangas: the reason I survive explosions and hunger pangs."

"We’re a team now. So if you die, I’m billing your estate."

"I like you. Mostly because you carry extra ammo."

"You’re not annoying. You’re just… consistently disappointing."

"Don’t worry, I’ll protect you. For a small fee and full credit."

"You’re like a puppy. Adorable, messy, and likely to get shot."

"I’d trust you with my life. But not my last chimichanga."

"We make a great team. You distract them, I kill them. Classic."

"You’re not sidekick material. You’re more like a footnote."

"I don’t need a partner. But you’re cute, so I’ll allow it."

"If we survive, we split the glory 70-30. In my favor."

"You’re not annoying. You’re just background music to my brilliance."

"Teamwork makes the dream work. And by dream, I mean killing stuff."

"I don’t fear death. I’ve had it on speed dial since Tuesday."

"If life gives you meaning, check for poison."

"I’m not sure if I’m a person or just a bad decision with health insurance."

"What if we’re all just characters in someone’s fanfiction?"

"I don’t believe in fate. I believe in loopholes."

"Am I a hero? A villain? Or just really good marketing?"

"Sometimes I wonder if I’m real or just a metaphor for capitalism."

"I don’t need purpose. I have snacks and vengeance."

"The universe doesn’t care. Good thing I brought explosives."

"If a tree falls in the forest and I’m not there to quip about it, did it happen?"

"I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it."

"Who am I? A man with a plan, a sword, and unresolved trauma."

"Wait, this line wasn’t in the script. Did we improv?"

"I think the writer just ran out of ideas. Same as me."

"This plot twist? Predictable. Just like my tax evasion."

"Is this scene even necessary? I’m losing screen time!"

"I bet the studio cut my funeral scene for budget. Heartless."

"Someone tell the director I want more slow-motion flips."

"This dialogue feels forced. Kind of like my smile."

"If this movie gets a sequel, I demand more cameos."

"I think we’re being edited in real time. That last line got cut."

"Who writes this stuff? Oh wait—me. I forgot I read scripts."

"This scene’s running long. Can I just kill him and eat lunch?"

"I’d complain about my character arc, but I’m too busy being awesome."