100+ Family Guy Herbert the Pervert Quotes That Went Viral

"Chris, you're like a fine wine—getting better every time I see you."

"You’ve really filled out since last summer, Chris. In all the right places."

"If I were thirty years younger, I’d sweep you off your feet, Chris."

"You’re growing up so fast, Chris… and so beautifully."

"I keep a photo of you by my bed, Chris. For inspiration."

"You're like a young god, Chris. A snackable Adonis."

"I brought you a pie, Chris. And maybe a little heart-shaped note… just for you."

"You’re looking particularly edible today, Chris."

"I love watching you mow the lawn, Chris. So much grace in motion."

"I made this sweater for you, Chris. It's modeled after your smile… and other curves."

"You're the light of my life, Chris. And by 'light,' I mean warmth… and comfort."

"Sometimes I pretend you're my grandson… just so I can hug you legally."

"Heh heh heh… oh, Chris, you always tickle me in the right way."

"Ahaha… that’s what she said… but honestly, that’s also what I say."

"Heh heh… nothing warms an old man’s heart like a boy on a bicycle."

"Aha! That joke was almost as stiff as my morning routine!"

"Heh… kids these days don’t appreciate a good backrub."

"Oh ho ho! That’s rich! Just like my fantasy wedding cake!"

"Heh… I love it when they walk by whistling… unaware."

"Aha! You're full of surprises, Chris… just like my sock drawer."

"Heh… I keep tissues nearby just in case I get too emotional."

"Oh ho! That’s one way to raise the temperature in the room!"

"Heh… I collect Boy Scout merit badges. Especially the ones involving trust."

"Aha… youth is wasted on the young… but I make excellent use of it."

"I baked cookies, Chris. They’re soft, warm, and best enjoyed in my basement."

"Need a ride home? My car has heated seats… and privacy tint."

"I found some old baseball cards. Want to come sort them in my study?"

"I got a new massage chair. Care to test it out? It’s very relaxing."

"I recorded all your school plays. Want to watch them… with popcorn?"

"I made a quilt out of old T-shirts. Yours is front and center… naturally."

"My pool needs cleaning. Why don’t you jump in? I’ll ‘supervise’."

"I bought two tickets to the drive-in. One’s for you, the other’s for my lap."

"I knit you a sweater. Try it on now? In my bedroom? For fit?"

"I have a telescope. Want to stargaze? From my attic window?"

"I collected all your lost socks. They’re safe… in my underwear drawer."

"I made a photo album of you. Alphabetized by season… and shirtlessness."

"I’m not a pervert, Chris. I just appreciate youthful energy."

"People misunderstand me. I just like giving hugs. Is that a crime?"

"I don’t see anything wrong with admiration. Art galleries do it all the time."

"It’s not creepy if it’s consensual… and technically, you never said no."

"I’m just an old man who likes boys. There’s support groups for that!"

"I only touch you in my dreams… which are completely private."

"If I were doing something wrong, wouldn’t I be in jail by now?"

"I call it love. The world calls it ‘concerning surveillance.’"

"I don’t stalk you, Chris. I… casually observe your patterns."

"I saved your gum wrapper from lunch. For sentimental reasons!"

"I’m not a threat. I’m a grandpa… waiting to happen."

"I don’t have a problem. Society has a problem with affection."

"They call me a monster, but all I did was build a shrine to Chris."

"Nobody gets me. Except maybe the internet… and my therapist."

"I’m not dangerous. I just express love differently… with cameras."

"People knock on my door asking about missing kids. I just want playdates."

"I’m not weird. I’m just ahead of my time in emotional availability."

"They took away my binoculars. Said it wasn’t ‘birdwatching.’ Lies!"

"All I wanted was a father-son bond. With benefits… emotionally."

"I don’t need a restraining order. I need understanding… and Wi-Fi access."

"They say I’m obsessed. I prefer ‘passionately committed.’"

"I don’t hide in bushes. I meditate… with a clear view of the playground."

"My love is pure. Even if the police don’t see it that way."

"I didn’t cross boundaries. I just forgot where they were drawn."

"I may have sewn your name into my pajamas. For comfort."

"I named my goldfish Chris. He swims with such confidence."

"I set my phone background to your school picture. It wakes me up happy."

"I told my doctor I was lonely. He didn’t expect you to be the prescription."

"I sometimes pretend you’re mine. In my mind, you call me ‘Dad.’"

"I keep your hair clippings in a locket. Call me romantic."

"I programmed my GPS to drive past your house ‘accidentally.’"

"I wrote a song about you. It’s called ‘Forever Young, Forever Mine.’"

"I dream in HD, Chris. And you’re always in focus."

"I replaced all my family photos with pictures of you. For continuity."

"I refer to you as ‘my boy’ in therapy. They take notes."

"I celebrate your birthday every month. Just in case you forget."

"Let me help you with that backpack, Chris. I love a heavy load."

"You’re really good with your hands. Ever thought about being a mechanic?"

"That jersey fits snug. Must be hard to breathe… or is it just me?"

"You're dripping wet. Let me dry you off… thoroughly."

"Need help reaching that top shelf? I’ve got a firm grip."

"You're glowing. Must be all that… natural heat."

"You're panting. Been running? Or am I just that exciting?"

"You're sitting on my lap. Don't worry, I don’t mind the pressure."

"You've been on my mind all day. Literally. I have a mural."

"You're making me hard… to resist smiling."

"You're full of energy. Want to channel that into something… productive?"

"You're bending over. Be careful—I might lose control."

"This is a misunderstanding! I was just measuring him for a blanket!"

"I can explain the handcuffs! They’re for magic tricks!"

"The camera wasn’t spying! It was documenting local wildlife!"

"I only tied him up because he said he liked roleplay!"

"The shrine isn’t illegal! It’s a cultural exhibit!"

"I didn’t kidnap him! We were going to Disneyland… via alleyways."

"The van is for deliveries! Mostly cookies… and dreams."

"I wasn’t drugging the punch! It was just extra sugar… and hope."

"They’re not photos of Chris sleeping! They’re artistic studies of peace!"

"I only followed him for safety! What if he needed a hug?"

"The rope was for tying packages! …Metaphorical packages."

"I plead not guilty! My heart says love, the law says ‘jail.’"

"Come here, son. Let Grandpa give you a squeeze."

"I just want to spoil you rotten… in a wholesome way."

"You’re like the grandson I never had… but always dreamed of."

"I’ll protect you, Chris. From the world… and myself… maybe."

"I made you a sandwich. With love… and possibly sedatives."

"You can stay over anytime. My bed’s big enough for two… innocents."

"I’ll read you a bedtime story. Then tuck you in. Very tightly."

"I want the best for you, Chris. Starting with my undivided attention."

"I’ll teach you how to fish. Then we’ll share a quiet cabin… alone."

"You’re safe with me. Unless you count emotional entanglement."

"I’ll be your mentor, your guide… and possibly your landlord."

"I just want to pass down my values… and my collection of your socks."

"I traded three goats and a VCR for a strand of your hair."

"I taught my parrot to say ‘Chris is mine’ in four languages."

"I replaced the moon with a portrait of you. It glows softer."

"I launched a satellite with your face on it. It orbits hourly."

"I convinced the town council to rename the park ‘Chrisland.’"

"I trained squirrels to deliver love letters. They’re very discreet."

"I built a robot clone of you. It doesn’t talk, but it hugs well."

"I bribed the weatherman to make it rain only over your house."

"I painted the town in your image. Now everyone sees you everywhere."

"I invented a time machine to meet you as a baby. Adoption papers were forged."

"I swapped my soul for a lifetime pass to your school events."

"I declared myself king of a micronation where Chris worship is legal."