100+ Best Friends Chandler Quotes That Define Sarcastic Humor

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?"

"Would you like me to be more specific? I can use smaller words."

"This is all hypothetical. I’m just saying, if I were gay, this is totally how I’d do it."

"Oh, I’m sorry, did I interrupt your precious nothing?"

"And just like that, everything became worse."

"Could I *be* any more over this conversation?"

"Wow, I’m so excited I might pee a little."

"So, how *do* you mess up 'Hold my hand'?"

"I’ve decided that we’re going to skip Christmas this year. We’ll just go straight to January 2nd."

"That’s what she said!"

"Why don’t you go ahead and write down all the things that are wrong with me before I lose interest."

"Oh, good, I’m glad we cleared that up. Now we can go back to hating each other."

"I’m not even supposed to be here today!"

"I’m a transponster now. I move stuff from one place to another."

"I’m funny how? Like I’m-a-funny-guy or I’m-funny-like-I-have-sexual-dysfunction funny?"

"I’m like a cat: I land on my feet… and then get stuck in a tree."

"I’m not brave. I’m just too scared to run away."

"I’m not a real doctor. I just play one on TV… actually, I don’t even do that."

"I’m not emotionally available. I’m emotionally like a squirrel—easily distracted and hoarding junk."

"I’m not weird. I’m limited edition."

"I’m basically a human version of a participation trophy."

"I’m like a reverse puppy. I make people feel worse when I leave."

"I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode."

"I’m not bitter. I’m just aware of how much everyone disappoints me."

"I knew I was in love with you the day I met you. I’m just really slow sometimes."

"Monica, you’re the only person I could ever see myself doing this with. Forever."

"You’re my best friend. You’re my lobster."

"I love you. And I’m not saying that because I have to. I’m saying it because I finally figured out how to mean it."

"I don’t want to scare you, but you might want to look down. There’s a huge turnip truck full of love headed right for you."

"I used to think I didn’t deserve you. Now I know I don’t—but I’m keeping you anyway."

"I never believed in soulmates until I met you. Now I can’t imagine anyone else."

"When I’m with you, I don’t need sarcasm to feel safe."

"You’re the only thing that makes sense in my life. That’s terrifying. And amazing."

"I love you more than coffee. And that’s saying a lot."

"I don’t know how to be a husband. But I know how to be yours."

"You’re my home. Not the apartment. You."

"I’m an executive in transponding. It’s like being a manager, but with less dignity."

"I’ve been working in an office for twelve years and I still don’t know what I do."

"My job is basically making numbers go up so rich people can sleep at night."

"I spend eight hours a day avoiding actual work. It’s exhausting."

"I don’t hate my job. I hate you. And the fax machine. And fluorescent lighting."

"If I have to sit through one more meeting about synergy, I’m going to fake my own death."

"I’m not paid enough to care. Actually, I’m not paid enough to show up."

"I’ve mastered the art of looking busy while doing nothing."

"My boss thinks I’m indispensable. That’s why he hasn’t noticed I haven’t done anything in months."

"I don’t need career fulfillment. I need a nap and a paycheck."

"I’d rather be unemployed than endure another team-building retreat."

"They pay me to transpond. I don’t even know what that means."

"We were on a break!"

"I know we didn’t have a lot of rules, but the ones we had were sacred."

"If I didn’t have you guys, I’d probably be dead. Or in jail. Probably both."

"You’re my family. Which means I’m legally required to tolerate you."

"I may mock you constantly, but if anyone else does, I’ll destroy them."

"We don’t abandon ship. Even when the ship is clearly sinking and on fire."

"I don’t say it enough, but I love you guys. Now let’s never speak of this again."

"We’ve shared food, apartments, and emotional trauma. That’s basically marriage."

"You’re stuck with me. Like gum on a shoe. Annoying, but somehow endearing."

"No matter how bad things get, I know you’ve got my back. Even if you’re laughing at me."

"We’re not just friends. We’re the people who know all your worst moments and still stick around."

"If you ever need me, I’ll be there. After I finish complaining about it."

"I don’t know the first thing about kids. I still cry during cereal commercials."

"What if I accidentally teach the baby sarcasm as a first language?"

"I’m not ready to be a dad. I still hide vegetables under my plate."

"How am I supposed to raise a child when I can’t even raise my own confidence?"

"I’ll be the fun uncle. The one who gives inappropriate gifts and leaves early."

"Kids need stability. I can barely keep my socks matched."

"I don’t want to mess up a kid the way my parents messed me up. Wait, that’s already happened."

"I’m going to be the dad who explains taxes using M&Ms and then eats them."

"What if the baby inherits my fear of commitment? That’d be awkward."

"I don’t know CPR. I don’t even know how to comfort a crying adult."

"Being a parent means I can’t blame everything on childhood trauma anymore."

"I hope the kid gets Monica’s sanity. I’ve got plenty of neuroses to spare."

"I’m not okay. But I’m so good at pretending that I fool even myself."

"I laugh when I’m nervous. Which is why I sound like a hyena at parties."

"I don’t trust people who are comfortable in their own skin. That’s unnatural."

"I smile so people won’t notice I’m slowly dying inside."

"I don’t open up. I build walls and charge admission."

"I’m not afraid of commitment. I’m afraid of being left once someone sees the real me."

"I joke because silence feels like judgment."

"I don’t do feelings. I do sarcasm and awkward silences."

"The thought of being vulnerable terrifies me. Hence, the jokes."

"I don’t need therapy. I need a mute button for my brain."

"I’m not broken. I’m just permanently set to ‘deflect.’"

"I don’t trust happiness. It always leaves without saying goodbye."

"I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving. I just eat turkey and pretend I’m grateful."

"Christmas isn’t magical. It’s just forced cheer and regrettable sweaters."

"I don’t believe in love on Valentine’s Day. I believe in overpriced chocolate and loneliness."

"New Year’s resolutions are just promises you’ll break by January 2nd."

"Halloween is the one day I can dress like how I feel inside."

"Easter’s just an excuse to eat candy and ignore bunnies’ traumatic pasts."

"I don’t need fireworks on the Fourth of July. My anxiety provides its own light show."

"Mother’s Day? Great, another reminder I’ll never be good enough."

"I celebrate Presidents’ Day by pretending George Washington was my therapist."

"St. Patrick’s Day is just legalized public intoxication. Finally, a holiday that gets me."

"I don’t do Hanukkah. I do eight nights of mild disappointment."

"Birthdays aren’t celebrations. They’re countdowns to death with cake."

"Dating is just rejection with better lighting."

"I don’t do relationships. I do awkward silences and emotional unavailability."

"I’m not relationship material. I’m more like relationship test pilot."

"I don’t fall in love. I fall into sarcasm holes."

"Long-term relationships are scary. What if they find out I microwave fish at work?"

"I don’t need a soulmate. I need someone who tolerates my quirks and doesn’t judge my snack choices."

"Love is terrifying. Also, it ruins your ability to nap freely."

"I don’t believe in ‘the one.’ I believe in ‘the one I’m currently not fighting with.’"

"Commitment is like skydiving without a parachute. Thrilling, but likely fatal."

"I don’t do intimacy. I do witty banter and strategic retreats."

"Every time I try to be serious, my mouth says something sarcastic instead."

"I don’t need romance. I need someone who laughs at my jokes and hides my wine."

"Do you think dinosaurs had best friends? That’s either sweet or horrifying."

"Why do towels get dirty? Aren’t they just drying you off?"

"If you’re sad and you know it, clap your hands? That’s not how emotions work."

"Why do we say ‘tuna fish’? Tuna *is* a fish. We don’t say ‘beef mammal.’"

"Who decided pigeons were cool? They’re just rats with wings."

"Why do we park in driveways and drive on parkways? English is a conspiracy."

"If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?"

"Why do we call it ‘after dark’ when it’s technically ‘after light’?"

"Is cereal soup? Because technically, yes."

"Why do we say ‘slept like a baby’? Babies wake up every two hours screaming."

"If you’re the last person on Earth, do you still have to pay rent?"

"Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?"