100+ Funniest Famous Quotes That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

"I can resist everything except temptation." – Oscar Wilde

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana." – Groucho Marx

"A day without sunshine is like, you know, night." – Steve Martin

"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right." – Unknown

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." – Jim Carrey

"I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I'm rich." – Ray Barone

"I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode." – Unknown

"If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you." – Steven Wright

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." – Thomas Edison

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." – Unknown

"I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila." – Carrie Fisher

"My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine." – Unknown

"Oh good, another meeting. That’s exactly how I wanted to spend my day." – Unknown

"I love deadlines. I especially love the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." – Douglas Adams

"Congratulations! You’ve just made it harder for everyone else." – Passive-aggressive award giver

"I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone." – Unknown

"Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice." – Unknown

"I’m not short. I’m concentrated awesome." – Unknown

"I didn’t lose my temper today. I left it home on purpose." – Unknown

"I’m not late. Everyone else is just early." – Chronically delayed person

"I’m not ignoring you. I’m just prioritizing my peace." – Introvert

"I’m not lazy. I’m in low-power mode." – Tech-savvy procrastinator

"Yes, I’m sure. I rarely doubt my poor decisions." – Confidently wrong

"I’m not arguing. I’m just passionately expressing my incorrect opinion." – Unknown

"I'm not sure I should tell you this, but I'm kind of a big deal." – Ron Burgundy

"I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?" – Chandler Bing

"I have a very strict policy about eating dessert before dinner. I always do it." – Milton Berle

"I’m not aging. I’m upgrading." – Unknown

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." – Unknown

"I don’t need therapy. I just need to scream into the void. Preferably with snacks." – Unknown

"I'm not clumsy. It's just the floor hates me, the table and chair are bullies, and the wall gets in my way." – Unknown

"I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman, I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room together." – Unknown

"I’m not overweight. I’m undertall." – Unknown

"I’m not arguing with you. I’m just explaining why I’m right—and slightly superior." – Unknown

"I don’t snore. I dream I’m a foghorn." – Unknown

"I’m not late. My schedule is just flexible." – Perpetually running behind

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!" – Monty Python

"This sentence no verb." – Unknown

"I once had a job folding shirts at a department store. I got fired for putting them in people’s shopping carts while they weren’t looking." – Mitch Hedberg

"I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done." – Stephen Wright

"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." – Fred Allen

"I have a map of the United States… actual size. It’s in my closet." – Steven Wright

"I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I said, ‘What good are they?’ They said, ‘They’re excellent. Very powerful.’" – Mitch Hedberg

"I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it." – Mitch Hedberg

"I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long." – Mitch Hedberg

"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure." – Unknown

"I asked the librarian if they had books about paranoia. She whispered, ‘They’re right behind you…’" – Unknown

"I told my dog all my problems and he fell asleep halfway through." – Unknown

"I’m not saying my childhood was tough, but my imaginary friend moved out." – Unknown

"The problem with atheists is that when they die, they’re going to be really surprised." – Bill Hicks

"I’m not upset that you lied to me. I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you." – Friedrich Nietzsche (alleged)

"I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat. And maybe a sandwich." – Winston Churchill (parody)

"I didn’t think I’d survive my divorce. But then I realized I didn’t want to." – Emo comedian

"I’m not saying I’m Batman. I’m just saying no one has ever seen me and Batman in the same room… alive." – Unknown

"The glass isn’t half empty or half full. It’s twice as big as it needs to be." – Unknown

"I’m not afraid of death. I just don’t want to be there when it happens." – Woody Allen

"Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans." – John Lennon

"I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now." – Unknown

"I’m not saying I hate you, but I would sign your organ donor card." – Unknown

"I didn’t see childhood trauma as a disadvantage. More like a head start." – Dark comic

"You had me at hello." – Jerry Maguire

"I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." – Notting Hill

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry." – Love Story

"I hate you. I mean, I don’t hate you. I could never hate you. I love you." – 10 Things I Hate About You

"You complete me." – Jerry Maguire

"After all, tomorrow is another day!" – Gone with the Wind

"I’m nobody. Who are you? Are you nobody too?" – Emily Dickinson (often quoted in rom-coms)

"I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the ages of this world alone." – The Lord of the Rings (used in romantic contexts)

"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." – Mother Teresa (romanticized in films)

"If you’re a bird, I’m a bird." – The Notebook

"I can’t promise to fix everything, but I can promise you this: you won’t have to face anything alone." – Grey’s Anatomy

"You’re like a drug. I can’t quit you." – Monster’s Ball

"I brought kids up on two words: Because I said so." – Erma Bombeck

"Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain." – Dorothy Parker

"Before you were born, I was my favorite child." – Unknown

"I don’t have a babysitter. I have a child wrangler." – Parent of twins

"My house is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy." – Unknown

"Children learn more from what you are than what you teach." – W.E.B. Du Bois

"I’m not a morning person. Neither is my child. Our house is a war zone before breakfast." – Exhausted parent

"I smile because you’re my child. I laugh because you have no idea." – Unknown

"Raising kids is 90% love, 10% luck, and 110% exhaustion." – Unknown

"The only thing kids really need is love. And WiFi. And snacks. And boundaries. And sleep." – Modern parent

"I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop being idiots around my kids." – Protective parent

"My parenting style? Chaos with snacks." – Surviving parent

"I’m not lazy. I’m in energy-saving mode." – Office worker

"I don’t need a title. I’m already the drama queen." – HR employee

"I love my job. Said no one ever during a Monday meeting." – Corporate drone

"My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home." – Smartass employee

"I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing background processing." – Developer

"Office politics: where incompetence meets ambition." – Anonymous

"I don’t have a productivity problem. I have a motivation-to-do-the-thing-that-pays-my-bills problem." – Freelancer

"I’m not late. My contribution to the meeting starts now." – Last to arrive

"I don’t need coffee. I run on resentment and unfinished tasks." – Overworked employee

"Teamwork means never having to do all the work yourself… said no office ever." – Cynical worker

"I’m not avoiding emails. I’m curating my inbox experience." – Executive assistant

"I don’t multitask. I switch between tasks and fail at both." – Honest worker

"I’m not crazy. My mother had me tested." – Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons)

"I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious." – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

"Bam!" – Emeril Lagasse

"That’s what she said." – Michael Scott (Steve Carell)

"Did we just become best friends?" – Anna Faris

"I’m not angry. I’m just disappointed… and slightly terrifying." – Tina Fey

"I’m not weird. I’m limited edition." – Johnny Depp

"I don’t get even. I get odd." – Dolly Parton

"I’m not shy. I’m just better in my head." – Kristen Wiig

"I don’t hold grudges. I remember facts." – Taylor Swift

"I’m not old. I’m vintage." – Cher

"I don’t need attention. I just need everyone to look at me." – Lady Gaga

"Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot." – Charlie Chaplin

"The fool thinks himself to be wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool." – William Shakespeare

"I think, therefore I am… confused." – Parody of Descartes

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." – Oscar Wilde

"Humor is tragedy plus time." – Mark Twain

"To be or not to be… that is the question. Also, where’s the bathroom?" – Shakespearean millennial

"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing." – Socrates

"God is dead. So am I after this party." – Nietzsche (parody)

"Man is the only creature who refuses to be what he is." – Albert Camus

"Existence precedes essence. And also traffic." – Jean-Paul Sartre (modern twist)

"I walked because I had no car. Then I got a car and stopped walking. Progress?" – Diogenes (reimagined)

"The unexamined life is not worth living. Neither is the over-examined one." – Socrates (updated)