100+ Funniest Lines of All Time – Hilarious Quotes & One-Liners Guaranteed to Make You Laugh

I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Oh good, another meeting. That’s exactly how I wanted to spend my day.

I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

I didn’t lose my mind—I sold it to pay for coffee.

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.

If I had a dollar for every time I ignored someone, I’d be rich by now.

I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome.

I don’t need therapy, I just need everyone else to fix their problems.

I’m not late; everyone else is just early.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I’m not weird, I’m a limited edition.

I told my therapist I keep having nightmares about violence. He said, “Why don’t you try sleeping?”

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?

My memory isn’t as sharp as it used to be. Wait, what was I saying?

I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me, gravity hates me, and the furniture gets in my way.

I don’t need an alarm clock. My neighbors know when to scream.

I’m not aging—I’m leveling up.

I’m not arguing with you—I’m just explaining why I’m superior.

I don’t always procrastinate, but when I do, I’ll deal with it tomorrow.

I’m not broke—I’m just temporarily monetarily challenged.

I don’t snore—I dream I’m a motorboat.

I’m not fat—I’m just easier to see.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

I’m not ignoring you—I’m prioritizing my peace.

Your opinion is noted—and promptly discarded.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I’m not being rude—you’re just insignificant.

You bring so much joy into the room—especially when you leave.

I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed—in your ability to function.

I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

The last time I saw something like you, I flushed it.

If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.

I once saw a man eat a whole watermelon through his nose. It made sense at the time.

Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.

I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I’ve been backed over by the same truck twice.

I asked the librarian if they had books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

I told my dog all my problems and he fell asleep halfway through.

I tried to organize a hide-and-seek tournament, but good players are hard to find.

I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying. What gives?

I told my plants I loved them. Now they expect breakfast in bed.

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago. Best decision ever—it hasn’t picked up a thing.

I don’t trust stairs—they’re always up to something.

I wrote a song about a paperclip. It’s a little twisted.

I told my cat I was lactose intolerant. He said, “That explains why you cry when I open the fridge.”

I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.

On the bright side, I can always sell my body parts on the black market.

I’m not suicidal, I’m just pro-accident.

I didn’t choose the depression life—the depression life chose me.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I’m not saying death is the answer, but it does solve 99% of people’s problems.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

I don’t believe in ghosts, but I still avoid basements after dark.

I didn’t survive childhood to die from a typo.

I’m not lazy—I’m in low-power mode like a sensible smartphone.

I don’t need anger management—I just need everyone else to stop being idiots.

I’m not saying I’m Wonder Woman—I’m saying no one has ever seen us together.

You talkin’ to me? Then who the hell else are you talking to?

Here's Johnny!

Life is like a box of chocolates—you never know what you're gonna get.

I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse.

Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

I'll be back.

There's no place like home.

You can't handle the truth!

E.T. phone home.

I am your father.

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

I'm king of the world!

I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.—Sheldon Cooper

Bacon makes everything better.—Michael Scott

I declare bankruptcy!—Michael Scott

Did I stutter?—Roseanne Conner

I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.—Michael Scott

Nobody puts Baby in a corner.—Dirty Dancing (often misattributed to sitcoms)

I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.—Various sitcom parents

That’s what she said.—Michael Scott

Hi, I’m Troy McClure. You might remember me from such educational films as “So You’ve Decided to Tie the Knot” and “Smoking: The Musical.”

I’m not weird, I’m a genius with average social skills.—Sheldon Cooper

Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids give me pause.—Chandler Bing

I wish I could, but I have a raccoon problem.—Ross Geller

I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough.

I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

I wanted to make a belt out of watches, but then I realized it’d be a waist of time.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.

I quit my job at the coffee shop because it was grinding me down.

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology. Please don't buy it.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.

I’m terrified of elevators, so I’ll take steps to avoid them.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

I’m trying to delete my search history, but it keeps finding me.

The only thing I know is that I know nothing.—Socrates

I think, therefore I am. But I also snack, therefore I am full.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.—Oscar Wilde

The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose is to give it away.—Pablo Picasso

I went to a restaurant called 'Alibi.' No one was there.

I asked for eternal life, but forgot to ask for eternal youth.

The older I get, the faster I was.

I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.

I’m not old—I’m vintage.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

I used to walk to school uphill both ways. Now I drive.

I’m not late—the scheduled time was just optimistic.

I’m not funny. What I am is brave.—Lucille Ball

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.—Groucho Marx

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.—Steve Martin

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.—Lily Tomlin

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.—Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.—Steven Wright

I intend to live forever—or die trying.—Woody Allen

The secret to life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.—Groucho Marx

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.—Woody Allen

Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you’re a cheese.—Soupy Sales

I don’t need a psychiatrist—I only need a audience.—Jackie Mason

I’m so paranoid, I even suspect my suspicions.—Emo Philips