100+ Funniest Mark Twain Quotes That Will Make You Laugh & Think

“Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.”

“It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.”

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

“Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.”

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

“When in doubt, tell the truth.”

“A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.”

“It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.”

“Loyalty to a petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.”

“The less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.”

“It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.”

“Human beings can be awful cruel to one another.”

“A lie can travel halfway around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”

“If you tell a big enough lie and tell it frequently enough, it will be believed.”

“Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.”

“There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.”

“Never let the truth stand in the way of a good story.”

“I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.”

“Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.”

“A falsehood travels fast, but the truth usually catches up with it.”

“Candor is a virtue, but discretion is a necessity.”

“One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.”

“The truth is easy to kill, but a lie can live forever.”

“I have never told a lie in my life, except when necessary.”

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.”

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.”

“It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

“Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.”

“The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read.”

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.”

“The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.”

“It’s not what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.”

“Action speaks louder than words, but not nearly as often.”

“Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”

“Marriage is a fine institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.”

“To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with.”

“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.”

“When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction.”

“Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that.”

“Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

“The worst loneliness is not being comfortable with yourself.”

“Happiness is a sort of atmosphere you can breathe into others.”

“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”

“True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.”

“I’ve seen better days, but I’ve spent worse.”

“Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.”

“Government is the art of cheating the people out of their money.”

“No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.”

“In a republic, the duty of a citizen is obedience to the law—even when it’s stupid.”

“It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress.”

“Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”

“The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.”

“All governments are run by liars and thieves and nothing they say should be believed.”

“The idea that God is an Englishman and wants England to rule the world is flattering, but I think He might prefer a Frenchman.”

“Bureaucracy is the art of making the possible impossible.”

“A tax is a device invented by the government to take money from the people without giving anything back.”

“Every time you tear up a treaty, you plant the seeds of war.”

“I never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

“Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”

“I have never let my school interfere with my learning.”

“The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.”

“The more I learn about people, the more I love my dog.”

“Books are for people who wish they were somewhere else.”

“I have never needed anyone’s advice. I always form my own foolish opinions.”

“Learning is not something you get once; it’s something you work at every day.”

“The average boy would rather sit in a ditch with a fishing pole than sit in a palace and learn Latin.”

“I've never met a man I didn't like—until I had to attend his lectures.”

“College is a place where a professor’s lecture notes go straight to the students’ lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either.”

“I appreciate the value of teachers, especially the ones I ignored.”

“The lack of money is the root of all evil.”

“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”

“Dollar bills have the greatest number of friends.”

“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.”

“Many a small thing has been made large by the right kind of advertising.”

“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.”

“The more things cost, the greater the necessity of economizing on them.”

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.”

“Frugality is excellent, except when it saves expense by loss of time.”

“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”

“The love of money is the root of all evil—or so I’ve been told.”

“When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it happened or not.”

“Age is just a number, but in my case, it’s a very high one.”

“When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

“The older I get, the more I realize how young I feel.”

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.”

“I am a great believer in luck. The harder I work, the more I have of it.”

“The years teach much which the days never know.”

“Time is a wasting, even when you’re having fun.”

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift—so they call it the present.”

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.”

“When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.”

“The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.”

“I’ve reached an age when I don’t want to go to bed because there’s nothing better to do.”

“Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.”

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”

“Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.”

“Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.”

“The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.”

“I didn’t write it because I wanted to; I wrote it because the damned thing wouldn’t leave me alone.”

“Golf is a good walk spoiled.”

“I have never written a book that didn’t start as a joke.”

“The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.”

“Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.”

“I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting.”

“The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.”

“I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it.”

“Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whom all revere but only the children love, whom all serve but none command.”

“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

“After all these years, I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her.”

“Life is short, though I once fervently wished it longer.”

“The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”

“To live is to suffer. To survive is to find meaning in the suffering.”

“I am not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

“The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.”

“Let us live so that when we come to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.”

“I’ve lived through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”