100+ Funniest Movie One-Liners & Quotes That’ll Make You Laugh Out Loud

"I’m sorry, I don’t speak idiot."

"Wow, you’re like a dictionary — you add meaning to every argument."

"You bring everyone so much joy — when you leave the room."

"I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me."

"Your secrets are safe with me. I never think about you anyway."

"I'm not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone."

"If you were any more irrelevant, you'd be background music."

"I didn't mean to offend you... wait, yes I did. That was the goal."

"You must be made of copper and tellurium. Because you're Cu-Te."

"I'm not mad. Just disappointed in every choice you've ever made."

"Oh no, did I just ruin your whole day? My bad, I forgot you had plans to be insignificant."

"I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong."

"I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy for the apocalypse."

"I told my therapist about you. She didn’t believe me."

"I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right."

"This meeting could’ve been an email."

"I'm not short, I'm concentrated awesome."

"I'm not late. Everyone else is just early."

"I followed my dreams… now I’m lost."

"I don’t need therapy. I just need everyone around me to change."

"I'm not weird. I'm limited edition."

"I'm not ignoring you. I'm just prioritizing my peace."

"I’m not clumsy. The floor just hates me."

"I'm not procrastinating. I'm doing nothing in a strategic way."

"Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica."

"I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious."

"Did you know that dolphins are actually gay sharks?"

"I declare bankruptcy!"

"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"

"I'm not mad. I'm just disappointmented."

"Sometimes I'll start a sentence and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way."

"I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I’m correct."

"Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me."

"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!"

"I'm not a regular mom. I'm a cool mom."

"I wish there was a button you could press to get rid of all the insane people. Oh wait, there’s Twitter."

"You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking."

"You’re the reason God invented Ctrl+Z."

"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose."

"You’re not fat. You’re just easier to see from space."

"I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse."

"You’re the human version of a participation trophy."

"I’d call you a tool, but that would insult tools."

"You’re not ugly. You’re just on the wrong side of average."

"You’re like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day."

"I’m not saying you’re dumb, but you left your GPS on ‘recalculate’ for three days."

"You’re not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example."

"I’d explain irony to you, but you’d probably high-five yourself and miss the point."

"I'm not saying I'm Wonder Woman, I'm just saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room."

"I'm not lazy. I'm in energy-saving mode."

"I'm not arguing. I'm just passionately expressing my misunderstanding."

"I'm not weird. I'm a limited edition."

"I don't need anger management. I need people to stop being idiots."

"I'm not late. I'm fashionably delayed by poor decisions."

"I'm not lost. I'm exploring alternative routes."

"I'm not short. I'm fun-sized."

"I'm not avoiding you. I'm practicing social distancing... selectively."

"I'm not broke. I'm monetarily challenged."

"I'm not clumsy. Gravity and I have a very intense relationship."

"I'm not old. I'm a classic."

"I'm reading a book on anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down."

"I used to be a baker, but I couldn't make enough dough."

"I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y."

"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it."

"I'm great at multitasking. I can ignore you and forget what I was doing at the same time."

"I'm not superstitious, but I’m a little stitious."

"I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done."

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised."

"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Z."

"I'm not saying I'm Sherlock Holmes, but have you ever seen us together?"

"I'm not lazy. I'm just in low-power mode."

"I have a photographic memory. It just hasn't developed yet."

"I AM YOUR FATHER!"

"Here's Johnny!"

"You can't handle the truth!"

"I'll be back."

"Why so serious?"

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

"Show me the money!"

"Life is like a box of chocolates."

"You talking to me?"

"There's no crying in baseball!"

"I feel the need… the need for speed!"

"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer."

"I'm not your dad. I'm your uncle, from another dimension."

"Surprise! I was the janitor all along."

"The real treasure was the memes we made along the way."

"Wait… this whole time, the Wi-Fi password was 'TrustNoOne'."

"Turns out, I wasn’t adopted. My parents just forgot they had me."

"The will says everything goes to… Steve the intern."

"I didn’t lose my memory. I just stopped caring who I was."

"The prophecy foretold the chosen one would be… allergic to gluten."

"The monster under the bed? Yeah, he pays rent."

"I’m not dying. I’m just entering maintenance mode."

"The villain won because no one showed up to the final battle."

"The secret code was just ‘password123’."

"You had me at hello."

"I’m also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her."

"You complete me."

"I hate you. I hate you so much. And I love you."

"Love means never having to say you’re sorry."

"I would rather regret doing something than regret not doing it."

"You’re like my favorite song. I never get tired of you."

"I didn’t fall for you. I jumped."

"If you’re a fish, I’ll be a fishing rod for life."

"I don’t want to be your next mistake. I want to be your last chance."

"You’re my person."

"I love you more than coffee. And that’s saying a lot."

"You’re probably wondering how I got here."

"This is not a pipe. It’s a metaphor."

"I know what you’re thinking: ‘This guy’s insane.’"

"We’re not in a real story. We’re in a poorly written fanfic."

"Of course I’m real. I’m as real as your student debt."

"Plot twist: This quote doesn’t exist."

"I can see you reading this. Hi."

"This moment is brought to you by capitalism."

"I’m not breaking the fourth wall. I’m remodeling it."

"Spoiler alert: You’re going to laugh."

"This isn’t irony. This is performance art."

"Narrator voice: He should’ve seen it coming."