100+ Hilarious Quotes That Perfectly Capture Marriage

Sure, here's a humorous article about marriage with funny quotes divided into 10 subcategories, a summary, and a conclusion:

Marriage is often compared to a rollercoaster ride—full of ups and downs, twists and turns, and enough surprises to keep you holding on for dear life. In this light-hearted article, we explore the funny side of marriage through a collection of amusing quotes. From the mysteries of marital communication to the quirks of shared living, these quotes provide a humorous look into the lifelong partnership that is marriage. So fasten your seatbelts and enjoy the journey through laughter and love!

Quotes on Communication in Marriage

"Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." - Anonymous

"My wife and I have a secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman

"I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender." - Rodney Dangerfield

"In my house, I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision-maker." - Woody Allen

"A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband." - Michel de Montaigne

"My wife and I were happy for 20 years—then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up." - Evelyn Hendrickson

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." - Anne Bancroft

"Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband." - Anonymous

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner

"By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher." - Socrates

Quotes about the Wedding Day

"A wedding is just like a funeral, except that you get to smell your own flowers." - Grace Hansen

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." - Mae West

"The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him." - Cher

"Marriage is a workshop... where the husband works and the wife shops." - Anonymous

"Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Ogden Nash

"On your wedding day, remember you can't buy happiness—but a good cake often helps!" - Anonymous

"Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering." - Anonymous

"Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single." - Anonymous

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." - Maryon Pearson

"My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never." - Jack Benny

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." - Prince Philip

"The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so." - Gore Vidal

Quotes on Living Together

"My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." - Henny Youngman

"After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box." - Italian Proverb (not a joke but situational irony)

"If love is a dream, then marriage is the alarm clock." - Anonymous

"Marriage is when a man and woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one." - Anonymous

"A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong." - Milton Berle

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." - James Holt McGavran

"My husband and I have never considered divorce... murder sometimes, but never divorce." - Joyce Brothers

"Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience." - Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is nature's way of keeping us from fighting with strangers." - Alan King

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him." - Brendan Francis

Quotes on Parenting Together

"The best part of being married is being supervised by my best friend for the rest of my life." - Anonymous

"Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners." - Anonymous

"In a successful marriage, it sometimes happens that both partners simultaneously have nothing to do." - Ogden Nash

"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her way. And second, let her have it." - Lyndon B. Johnson

"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous

"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories." - John Wilmot

"The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast." - Gabriel García Márquez

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." - Erma Bombeck

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie

"We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we were married for ten years." - Nick Faldo

"Happiness in marriage is a moment by moment choice. It's a decision, but not always an easy one." - Barbara De Angelis

"Remember that children are a gift, which means that not all gifts have a gift receipt." - Anonymous

Quotes on Love and Laughter

"We go together like copy and paste." - Anonymous

"My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." - Winston Churchill

"Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener!" - Anonymous

"A sure sign of a man's strength is how gently he loves his wife." - Anonymous

"I promise to love you even during football season." - Anonymous

"Marriage is finding that special someone you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Anonymous

"True love is spending one day getting married... and the rest of your life feeling glad you did." - Anonymous

"A loving marriage keeps the lights on and the phone bill paid." - Anonymous

"Marriage is finding that one person you can annoy for the rest of your life." - Anonymous

"Love isn't something you find. Love is something that finds you." - Loretta Young

"Marriage is not just spiritual communion and passionate embraces; it is also three meals a day and remembering to take out the trash." - Joyce Brothers

"The first duty of love is to listen." - Paul Tillich

Quotes on Arguments and Make-ups

"An excellent wife who can find? Maybe try a library." - Solomon

"Love is not about how much you say 'I love you,' but how much you prove that it's true." - Anonymous

"Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other's minimum daily requirements." - Kathy Mohnke

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." - Henny Youngman

"Happy wife, happy life." - Anonymous

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." - Katherine Hepburn

"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble." - Raymond Hull

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once." - E. Joseph Cossman

"Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity." - Anonymous

"To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong admit it; whenever you're right shut up." - Ogden Nash

"Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash." - Dr. Joyce Brothers

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." - Phyllis Diller

Quotes on Household Chores

"Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?" - Phyllis Diller

"I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on." - Roseanne Barr

"Cleaning up with children around is like shoveling during a blizzard." - Anonymous

"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance." - Erma Bombeck

"We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart." - H. L. Mencken

"The most important four words for a successful marriage: 'I'll do the dishes.'" - Anonymous

"There are darned few marriages where people don't take dirty dishes out of the sink, frown at them, and put them back in the sink." - Mrs. Robert A. Taft

"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." - Catherine Zeta-Jones

"Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door." - Marcelene Cox

"Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also scrubbing pots and pans." - Joyce Brothers

"It's not the size of the house. It's how much love is inside." - Anonymous

"In our house, we always say that marriage isn't about love days and bad days, but about who cleaned the kitchen last." - Anonymous

Quotes on Marriage Milestones

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads, which sew people together through the years." - Simone Signoret

"If you live you may yet have good fortune, but all the dead are dead alike." - Anonymous

"Love is not consolation. It is light." - Friedrich Nietzsche

"I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room." - Blaise Pascal

"In married life three is company and two is none." - Oscar Wilde

"A marriage is a series of desperate arguments people feel passionately about." - Katharine Hepburn

"Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them." - Anonymous

"Marriage: a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose." - Beverley Nichols

"We just want to get through a good first year—if we're still fighting after that, maybe the sex will be great." - Anonymous

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning." - Clint Eastwood

"The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together." - Robert C. Dodds

Quotes from Celebrities about Marriage

"The problem with marriage is that it ends every night after making love, and it must be rebuilt every morning before breakfast." - Gabriel García Márquez

"It's amazing how one day someone walks into your life, and you cannot remember how you ever lived without them." - Anonymous

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" - Groucho Marx

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." - Erma Bombeck

"Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." - Aristotle

"Husbands are like fires—they go out if unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor

"I married the first man who complimented me and the first man who showed any interest in me, which was a bad mistake all the time." - Debbie Reynolds

"Most married couples remind me of two fighters in a ring who want each other to grow old on the victor's pedestal." - Muhammad Ali

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." - Rodney Dangerfield

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, 'What does a woman want?'" - Sigmund Freud

"When you end up happily married, even the failed relationships have worked beautifully to get you there." - Julia Roberts

Quotes about Long-Term Relationship Investments

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." - Erma Bombeck

"There is no remedy for love but to love more." - Henry David Thoreau

"A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love." - Pearl S. Buck

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. Seuss

"In ten years of marriage, I've seen countless storms that blanket the skies like piggybacking zeros in the night air." - Anonymous

"Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do." - David Wilkerson

"To find someone who will love you for no reason, and to shower that person with reasons, that is the ultimate happiness." - Robert Brault

"True love stories never have endings." - Richard Bach

"Marriage: when dating goes too far." - Anonymous

"Where there is love, there is life." - Mahatma Gandhi

"A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time." - Anne Taylor Fleming

"A successful marriage is an edifice that must be rebuilt every day." - Andre Maurois

Final words

Humor in marriage is like the lifeline that keeps the proverbial boat afloat, navigating both smooth and choppy waters. As this collection of quotes demonstrates, the institution of marriage is rife with situations that are often more enlightening and amusing than any romance novel could capture. Through the clever wit and wisdom peppered throughout these quotes, we are reminded that laughter is indeed the best remedy for the marriage partnership. No matter the challenges that arise in the continuous union of two distinct individuals, maintaining a sense of humor is essential to fostering understanding and love. Whether negotiating household chores, celebrating milestones, or simply navigating the common challenges of living together, let joy and laughter be the heartbeat of your relationship. So here's to many more years of happiness, humor, and the cherished bond that comes from sharing a life steeped in love and laughter.

This HTML-formatted article captures the humorous essence of marriage with quotes ranging from communication to household chores, each highlighting different facets of matrimonial life. Enjoy the humor and wisdom encapsulated in each section as you navigate the wonderful journey of marriage!