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100+ Iconic George Carlin Quotes for Thought-Provoking Insights
George Carlin, a legendary comedian known for his sharp wit and insightful observations, has left us with timeless quotes that continue to resonate with audiences all over the world. In this article, we explore ten distinct categories of Carlin's quotes, each offering a unique perspective on life, society, and the human experience. Through humor and honesty, Carlin provides reflections that are both thought-provoking and entertaining. These quotes capture the essence of his comedic genius and his ability to articulate the absurdities of life in a way that is both poignant and humorous. Dive into these sections to appreciate the depth and breadth of George Carlin's work, and find a bit of wisdom and laughter that resonates with you.
Life Quotes
"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
"The planet is fine. The people are f****d."
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
"Here's all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid."
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music."
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things."
"Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you."
"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
Society Quotes
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity."
"In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem."
"If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?"
"The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.'"
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
"Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to f*** in the first place?"
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
"The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
Humor Quotes
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"Electricity is really just organized lightning."
"I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed."
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me—they're cramming for their final exam."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization."
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
"I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death."
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so f***** heroic."
"If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball."
Philosophical Quotes
"We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values."
"Don't just teach your children to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything."
"If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out."
"Everyone smiles in the same language."
"Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?"
"The status quo sucks."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jackboots. It will be Nike sneakers and smiley shirts."
"If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little."
"We're so self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. 'Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.' And the greatest arrogance of all—save the planet. Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don’t even know how to take care of ourselves, we haven’t learned how to care for one another, we’re gonna save the f***** planet?"
"Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy."
Government Quotes
"In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem."
"The government doesn’t want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. That is against their interests."
"The owners of this country know the truth: it’s called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."
"It’s a big club, and you ain’t in it."
"The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."
"The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal,' 'Thou shalt not commit adultery,' 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
"When you’re born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat."
"Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers."
"I do this real moron thing, and it’s called thinking. And apparently, I’m not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions."
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders."
"The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make joint decisions."
Language Quotes
"We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language."
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
"I don’t like euphemistic language. If someone appears on the platform in a wheelchair, they're not 'differently abled.' They’re f***** up."
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"Soft language will only get you so far."
"Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?"
"How can a nation be great if its bread tastes like Kleenex?”
"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept."
Political Quotes
"I don’t vote. Two reasons: first is, my choice is not on the list. Second of all, ladies and gentlemen, to tell you the truth, I don’t trust anybody who stands to gain from the outcome."
"There is no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past."
"Elections are meaningless. Voting is meaningless."
"I don’t have pet peeves—I have major psychotic hatreds."
"The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it."
"If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're going to get selfish, ignorant leaders."
"I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a common purpose. Because pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they’re going to visit at 3 AM."
"Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you."
"Governments don’t want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers."
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic."
"The real owners are the big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions."
"Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist."
Cynical Quotes
"I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so f***** heroic."
"You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar."
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions. And words."
"The bigger they are, the worse they smell."
"Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit."
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
"Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?"
"By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth."
"Fighting for peace is like having sex for virginity."
Existential Quotes
"When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands."
"Always do whatever’s next."
"There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls."
"Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time."
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
"Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town."
"Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it."
"Most people with low self-esteem have earned it."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it."
"The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept."
"People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think."
Cultural Quotes
"Think off-center."
"Bigger snacks mean bigger slacks."
"American cheese is what you eat when you forget you have food allergies and no standards in taste."
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"The planet is fine. The people are f****d."
"What if there were no hypothetical questions?"
"A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff."
"Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
"If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball."
"There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions. And words."
Final words
George Carlin's legacy lives on through his sharp and incisive quotes, which continue to shed light on the absurdities of life with humor and honesty. His observations challenge our perceptions and encourage us to question the status quo, while his unique comedic style makes these truths entertaining and accessible. By exploring these ten categories of Carlin's quotes, we are invited to look at life through the lens of his wit and wisdom, finding both laughter and reflection in his words. Whether touching on life, society, or existential musings, Carlin's perspective is an invaluable reminder of the power of language to provoke thought and inspire change. Let these quotes encourage you to think critically, embrace humor, and never shy away from questioning the world around you.
Discover over 100 iconic quotes by George Carlin that offer sharp, witty, and thought-provoking insights on life, society, and beyond. Explore the legendary comedian's timeless wisdom and humor.
