Groucho Marx, a comedic genius and a master of wit, is celebrated for his clever and humorous quotes. In this article, we delve into the world of Groucho Marx quotes, exploring various facets of his brilliance through ten different themes. Each section includes twelve standout quotes that capture his unique perspective on life, relationships, and the human condition. These quotes not only entertain but also offer insightful commentary on various aspects of life.
Marriage Quotes
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
"I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?"
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early."
"I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Life Quotes
"Live every day as if it’s your last, because one day you’ll be right."
"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born."
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Life isn’t about finding yourself. It’s about creating yourself."
"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."
"Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them... well, I have others."
"There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes, you know he is a crook."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
Work Quotes
"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."
Humor Quotes
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
"Humor is reason gone mad."
"It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
"Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
Wisdom Quotes
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday night. They are going to call it ‘Monday Night Football.’"
"I intend to live forever, or die trying."
"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"
"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."
"I’ve got the brain of a four year old. I’ll bet he was glad to be rid of it."
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
"A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
"All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats."
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."
Friendship Quotes
"There’s one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says 'yes', you know he's a crook."
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"I'm only going to say this once: tell Karl that I love him and I'll see him in hell!"
"The only real laughter comes from despair."
"Here’s to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!"
"I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
"Everything I have, I owe to penicillin."
"I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract."
"Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."
Politics Quotes
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men—the other 999 follow women."
"I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member."
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read."
"Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them... well, I have others."
"I worked myself up from nothing to extreme poverty."
"Why should I do anything to endanger my position unless it's for a really safe position?"
"I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse."
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
"If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you."
"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."
"In politics, women type faster than men."
Love Quotes
"I wish to be cremated. One-tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in my contract."
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
"Love goes out the door, and a battle begins."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife."
"I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."
"Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first."
"A man’s only as old as the woman he feels."
"Love flies out the window when I put him in a cab."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"I met a great woman. But then they got together."
Fame Quotes
"If you want to get a real sense of accomplishment, try climbing out of bed."
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it."
"There is one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him. If he says ‘yes’, you know he's a crook."
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"My favorite food is whatever we’re out of."
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I’ll never know."
"Time wounds all heels."
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"Hello, I must be going."
Success Quotes
"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."
"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
"Blessed are the cracked for they shall let in the light."
"I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"Here’s to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet!"
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
Final words
Groucho Marx's quotes remain timeless due to their sharp wit and incisive humor. They reflect a keen observation of human behavior and society's idiosyncrasies. Regardless of the theme, whether marriage, life, or politics, Groucho's words resonate with universal truths wrapped in laughter. This gift of turning simple phrases into profound insights ensures his legacy endures, captivating audiences of all generations. Through his quotes, we are reminded of life's absurdities and the importance of not taking oneself too seriously. As you continue to explore the world of Groucho Marx, remember to keep your laughter close and your wisdom closer.
Explore a collection of over 100 Groucho Marx quotes that capture his unique wit and wisdom. Perfect for inspiration, humor, and reflection.
