100+ Best Eric Cartman Quotes from South Park – Funny, Savage & Iconic Lines

"You guys are my best friends. That's why I'm going to let you go first."

"I don't need therapy. I need attention!"

"All I'm saying is, she's black. Black people are always poor."

"I'm not fat, I'm just poorly nourished."

"Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

"I'm not crazy, my reality is just different than yours."

"I'm not racist, I just hate everyone equally."

"If being cool is jumping off a bridge, then I hope you break both legs."

"I’m not a monster. I’m just ahead of my time."

"I didn’t think it was physically possible, but you’ve managed to make me dumber."

"The only reason I'm helping you is because it benefits me in the end."

"I’m not lying, I’m just creatively misrepresenting the truth."

"Respect my authority!"

"Token, you’re not really black—you live in a two-story house!"

"All Jews look like vampires."

"Mexicans are taking over everything! Next thing you know, we’ll all be eating tacos for breakfast!"

"I love black people! In fact, I love them so much, I want them all to stay in Africa!"

"I’m not prejudiced. I just hate certain groups more than others."

"Why do they call it 'the Special Olympics'? Shouldn’t it just be called 'the Olympics' for stupid people?"

"It’s not racism if it’s true!"

"I’m not a bigot, I’m just realistic about racial stereotypes."

"Black people always smell like cornrows and welfare cheese."

"I don’t care what color you are—as long as you're not invited to my birthday party."

"If God didn’t want us to mock other races, he wouldn’t have made them so ridiculous."

"I’m not lazy, I’m just on energy-saving mode."

"I can’t help it if I was born with a natural talent for doing nothing."

"Why do today what you can put off until someone else does it for you?"

"I’m conserving my strength for when I really need it—like eating snacks."

"Work is for people who don’t have rich parents or good scams."

"I’m not avoiding responsibility—I’m delegating it."

"Exercise? That’s just punishment for eating delicious food."

"I’d rather be grounded than do homework."

"School is just prison with extra steps."

"If thinking burned calories, I'd be a supermodel."

"I’m not procrastinating—I’m building suspense."

"My mom says I have a learning disability. I think she means I have a 'not-giving-a-damn' disorder."

"I’m not conceited, I’m just better than everyone."

"When I die, I want to be remembered as the greatest person who ever lived."

"I’m not selfish, I just prioritize myself more than others."

"I’m not egotistical. I’m just always right."

"Everyone should take notes when I speak—it could save their lives."

"I’m basically a superhero without the cape. Or the powers. Or the morals."

"I don’t brag, I just remind people how awesome I am."

"I’m not full of myself—I’m just generously sharing my greatness."

"If I were any more perfect, I’d be illegal."

"I don’t need your approval. I already gave it to myself."

"I’m not arrogant—I’m accurately assessing my superiority."

"I deserve a medal just for dealing with all of you losers."

"I have a plan so devious, even I’m scared of it."

"Step one: Get money. Step two: Never give it back."

"I don’t break laws—I expose their weaknesses."

"The government doesn’t control me. I control the vending machines."

"I didn’t steal it—I just initiated a long-term borrowing program."

"My scam isn’t evil—it’s entrepreneurial."

"I don’t cheat. I just level the playing field in my favor."

"Every great leader started as a con artist."

"If you’re not cheating, you’re not trying hard enough."

"I don’t lie—I create alternative realities."

"The key to success is making everyone else think they’re helping you."

"I’m not running a pyramid scheme—I’m building a loyalty empire."

"You’re dumber than a bag of hair!"

"You’re so fat, when you sit around all day, you’re still standing up."

"Your face looks like something my dog coughed up."

"You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine."

"Even your shadow walks away from you."

"You’re so ugly, mirrors file restraining orders against you."

"You’re not just stupid—you’re stupidly stupid."

"You have the IQ of a potted plant—and I’ve seen smarter dirt."

"If ignorance was a crime, you’d be serving life without parole."

"You’re the human equivalent of a participation trophy."

"You’re not just annoying—you’re legally required to be avoided."

"You’re so boring, even your shadow yawns."

"That didn’t happen. My memory is faulty… or selectively truthful."

"I never said that. You must’ve hallucinated."

"It’s not denial—it’s positive re-framing."

"I’m not guilty—I’m just misunderstood by inferior minds."

"If I did it, it was only because you made me do it."

"I wasn’t stealing—I was conducting an inventory redistribution."

"Blame doesn’t stick to me. I’m Teflon-coated."

"I didn’t fail—the test was rigged against genius."

"I don’t lie—I just remember things differently."

"It’s not avoidance—it’s strategic retreat."

"I didn’t run away—I was conducting reconnaissance."

"I’m not responsible—I was under mind control… probably."

"Jesus loves me, but he’s terrified of my plans."

"I pray every day—for more money and less conscience."

"God put me on this Earth to rule it. He just forgot to tell everyone else."

"I believe in heaven—but only if there’s free Wi-Fi and unlimited pizza."

"I’m not sacrilegious—I’m just testing divine patience."

"The Ten Commandments? More like ten suggestions."

"I’ll go to church when they start paying me to be there."

"If Jesus came back, I’d sue him for copyright infringement."

"I’m not anti-God—I’m just pro-me."

"Faith is believing in something despite all evidence. Like believing I’ll ever do homework."

"I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior—on weekends."

"The only miracle I believe in is getting out of chores."

"Friends are just enemies who haven’t betrayed you yet."

"I’d sell my friends for a cheeseburger. Well, except maybe Kenny… he tastes weird."

"Our friendship is based on mutual exploitation. Just like capitalism!"

"I don’t abandon friends—I upgrade to better ones."

"You’re not my friend. You’re my emotional support puppet."

"Loyalty is overrated. Power is forever."

"I keep my friends close and my enemies closer—preferably tied up."

"Friendship is just a word people use to manipulate each other."

"I’d betray you in a heartbeat—if there was profit involved."

"We’re not friends—we’re co-conspirators in the game of life."

"I don’t need friends. I need followers."

"You’re lucky I tolerate you. Most people get punched just for breathing near me."

"If trees could scream, would we still use paper? The answer is obviously yes."

"I don’t trust atoms. They make up everything."

"If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?"

"I don’t need Google. I have a mother who yells at me."

"If you eat a clock, is that time-consuming?"

"I’m not arguing—I’m just explaining why I’m right."

"If con is the opposite of pro, then Congress is the opposite of progress."

"I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure."

"I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it."

"If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments."

"I’m not short—I’m concentrated awesome."

"I don’t need anger management—I need everyone else to stop annoying me."