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100+ Steven Wright Quotes: Wit and Wisdom for Every Occasion
If you're seeking a blend of humor and philosophical insight, Steven Wright quotes are your go-to source. Known for his deadpan delivery and witty one-liners, Wright has left a mark in the world of comedy and introspection. This article brings together 10 themed categories of his quotes, each showcasing his unique perspective on life, time, and the quirky nuances of human existence. From his humorous take on life's simplicity to his profound yet funny observations, Steven Wright's quotes will surely tickle your humor nerves and stimulate your thoughts.
Steven Wright on Life Quotes
"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you."
"I think I've forgotten this before."
"Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time."
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper they’d be if that didn’t happen."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something."
"I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative."
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."
Steven Wright on Time Quotes
"I have a watch that has no hands or numbers. It’s very accurate. I look at it and say, 'Wow, time flies.'"
"Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?"
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I’m a dog. Tomorrow I’ll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There’s so little hope for advancement."
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
"I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
"I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I’m going to buy some sugar.'"
"When I turned two I was really anxious, because I’d doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I’m six I’ll be ninety."
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
Steven Wright on Relationships Quotes
"For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out."
"I can’t stop thinking like this. I can’t stop thinking that I’m forgetting something."
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
"When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane."
"How come you don’t ever hear about gruntled employees?"
"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."
"If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?"
"I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes."
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach."
Steven Wright on Existence Quotes
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted."
"When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded."
"There's a fine line between sanity and insanity."
"I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."
"I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it."
"I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes, and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country."
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wright on Simplicity Quotes
"Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route."
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically."
"Support bacteria—they’re the only culture some people have."
"I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn it on and put the needle on it, and you slowly raise the volume. I turned it on and put the needle down, and I suddenly realized I had gotten it backwards. The record was teaching me English."
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?"
"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it."
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
"I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize."
"In my house there’s this light switch that doesn’t do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out.'"
"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
"I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. It says one mile equals one mile."
Steven Wright on Observation Quotes
"It doesn't have a job, it just works on the table."
"I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep."
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"It matters not if you fall down 7 times as long as you get up 8."
"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met."
"I heard a proof I don't understand the other day. I had to go to the store and the clerk said, 'Thank you for shopping at WalMart.' And I said, 'I'm still not satisfied with my purchase.'"
"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
"Someone asked me, 'If you could be any kind of animal, what would you be?' And I said, 'I’d probably be someone’s pet fish—there’d be more space in an apartment tank than I have in my budget for rent.'"
"Some people are afraid of heights. I’m afraid of widths."
"I have a photographic memory. Unfortunately, it never developed."
Steven Wright on Humor Quotes
"One day, right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and started reading. The interviewer said, 'What are you doing?' I said, 'Let me ask you, if you were in a restaurant and the waiter addressed you without saying, 'May I take your order?',
would you be in the right place?'
"I like to fill after the 'Warning! This product is not risk-free. It is toxic.'"
"I went to pick up my dry cleaning, and the guy gave me a car."
"Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories..."
"My problem with life is that I have never seen a trapozoid in the forest."
"The speed of time is one second per second."
"I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering."
"You have to take the broken pieces and find a way to work with them—figuratively and metaphorically."
"My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"Right now, I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before."
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"
"I went to a Chinese restaurant and saw this duck standing there with a menacing look on its face"
Steven Wright on Travel Quotes
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
"I have the worlds largest collection of seashells. I keep them on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
"I broke a mirror in my house and I got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer managed to get me five."
"I built a miniature plane and flew it across my bedroom. Now it’s international."
"I found a new seashell. It was so big, I gave birth."
"When I woke up I found a bright sunny day and realized I was blind."
"I plan to take my next vacation in a place with minimal human contact. The Universe offers several options."
"I wish there was a teleporter like in Star Trek. I'd go everywhere just to get back home."
"There’s no point in traveling without dreaming. What’s reality got?"
Steven Wright on Logic Quotes
"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world."
"My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant."
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of loan repayments."
"Why is it, 'A penny for your thoughts,' but, 'It costs you a penny to know what you’re thinking?'"
"If ignorance is bliss, then illusion must be masterful."
"I put a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!"
"Whatever is not nailed down is mine. Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down."
"I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport."
"I installed the closed-captioning on my television for everyone who doesn’t have my channel."
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
"I once put instant coffee in a microwave and nearly went back in time."
Steven Wright on Paradoxes and Irony Quotes
"If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?"
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."
"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up."
"I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone."
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."
"Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow."
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
"I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything."
"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
"I installed the skylight in my apartment... the people above me are furious."
"Even nostalgia isn’t what it used to be."
"There's a fine line between confessional and exhibitionist. I'm happy to be on it."
Final words
Steven Wright’s quotes encapsulate a range of human emotions and observations in a succinct, humorous manner. His ability to fuse wit and wisdom into short, memorable statements is why his work endures and continues to inspire many. Whether discussing life's intricacies or exploring the quirks of human nature, Wright’s insights are both entertaining and thought-provoking. These quotes not only provide a moment of laughter but also prompt deeper reflections on the subtleties of life. The juxtaposition of the ordinary with the absurd in his words encourages us to view life's daily occurrences through a different lens, highlighting the beauty and humor in simplicity. As you ponder these quotes, you'll find that Wright’s unique perspective on life offers not just humor, but a fresh way to engage with the world.
Explore over 100 of the most humorous and thought-provoking quotes by comedian Steven Wright. Perfect for those seeking a dose of wit in everyday life.
