100+ Hilariously Witty Mark Twain Quotes to Brighten Your Day

Mark Twain, a luminary in the world of literature, holds an exceptional place in the annals of humor and wit. His quotes often encapsulate profound truths in the guise of humor, making them timeless reflections on human nature and society. This article explores some of Twain's funniest quotes, organized in themed sections, to offer a delightful introspection into our everyday lives and the human condition. We dive into themes ranging from life wisdom and politics to human quirks and irony, illustrating how Twain's humor transcends time.

Life Quotes

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."

"A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read."

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."

"Life is short, break the rules. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly."

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old."

Political Quotes

"If voting made any difference they wouldn't let us do it."

"Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."

"Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t."

"In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned."

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress."

"Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

"In the beginning, God created idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."

Work Quotes

"Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one."

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

"When in doubt tell the truth."

Travel Quotes

"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness."

"Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime."

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do."

"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read."

"Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well."

"I have found a way to get lots of time and comfort by simply turning backward occasionally to see what time it is, and then correcting my position again."

"The gladdest moment in human life, me thinks, is a departure into unknown lands."

"Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry."

"Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits."

"The best of all the ways to lengthen our days is to steal a few hours from the night."

"I have found that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them."

"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."

Marriage Quotes

"Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths."

"To get the full value of joy you must have someone to divide it with."

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain."

"The most difficult thing in your life is to become yours, as to yourself. When you are united with you, you will inevitably unite with another."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"The worst thing to have in your mind is guilt."

"After all these years, I see that I can't change minds. So I changed how mine works."

"Don't wait, the time will never be just right."

"Love is not based on liking, but rather on trust, respect, and companionship."

Funny Quotes

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter."

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

"A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds."

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please."

"It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them."

"The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for."

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

"When in doubt tell the truth."

Educational Quotes

"I never let schooling interfere with my education."

"The man who does not read has no advantage over the man who cannot read."

"In the first place, God made idiots. This was for practice. Then he made School Boards."

"Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge."

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone, you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"Wrinkles should merely indicate where the smiles have been."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one."

"God created war so that Americans would learn geography."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"The lack of money is the root of all evil."

Wisdom Quotes

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog."

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"A round man cannot be expected to fit in a square hole right away. He must have time to modify his shape."

"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"I can live for two months on a good compliment."

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist."

Health Quotes

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."

"A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read."

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

"All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure."

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."

"You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus."

"The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog."

"To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence."

"The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself."

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old."

Irony Quotes